Worth a try, right?

Dear Sacred College of Cardinals,

While following the news lately, I suddenly realised that you have an opening to fill, and you'll be wanting to fill it very, very soon. I thought I'd save you the trouble of having to put the 'We're hiring'-sign up at the entrance of Vatican City, by kindly offering my services to you.

I'm afraid that I don't have all that much experience with being a Catholic bishop/the Patriarch of Rome/the head of the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church -hell, I've never even been to church- but I am willing to learn.

Why should you hire me?

1. I'm a kind and giving person; just last week I gave my neigbour a tenner, which I'd bummed off of her back in '93.
2. I'm a born leader; a few months back my mum let me babysit the little ones, and only one ended up severely hurt. That was a record for me.
3. I have no problem whatsoever with being artificially kept alive long after my biological expiration date has expired, because hey, who the hell doesn't want to live forever?
4. I am multilingual - I speak and write several languages fluently, such as American English, British English, Gangsta ('yo') and even L33t.
5. The fifth and final reason I can give you for hiring me as the next Pope; I look wicked in white.

And that's me. I hope I'll be hearing from you soon (in English please, my Spanish is a bit rusty), and that we'll be able to get to some kind of agreement.

Sincerely,

Martin