Fly, you fool.
How do you tell a close friend his life is falling to pieces?
Today, two friends and I had to do just that; alerting another dear friend to the fact that, should he stay with his current girlfriend -the one he's been with for over four years now- he will not be happy. Ever.
We thought about it long and hard, discussed it in length among the three of us, and in the end we decided to go have a drink with him, without his girlfriend present, and for the last time tell him our side to the story. A side he already knew, to an extent, but had never heard expressed this clearly.
We did our best to be tactful about it, and subtle, and not make it a direct attack on a person who wasn't even there to defend herself, because, in effect, it wasn't; but we simply could not avoid words like 'degrading', 'manipulative', 'repression', 'break-up', 'unhealthy' and, perhaps worst of all, 'pity', heartfelt pity.
The good news: he took it well; the bad news: he took it too well. I fear we didn't really make an impression.
We did our part - it's in his hands now.
Cheers
Today, two friends and I had to do just that; alerting another dear friend to the fact that, should he stay with his current girlfriend -the one he's been with for over four years now- he will not be happy. Ever.
We thought about it long and hard, discussed it in length among the three of us, and in the end we decided to go have a drink with him, without his girlfriend present, and for the last time tell him our side to the story. A side he already knew, to an extent, but had never heard expressed this clearly.
We did our best to be tactful about it, and subtle, and not make it a direct attack on a person who wasn't even there to defend herself, because, in effect, it wasn't; but we simply could not avoid words like 'degrading', 'manipulative', 'repression', 'break-up', 'unhealthy' and, perhaps worst of all, 'pity', heartfelt pity.
The good news: he took it well; the bad news: he took it too well. I fear we didn't really make an impression.
We did our part - it's in his hands now.
Cheers
10 Comments:
I was looking for a jokes in there but I didn't find one. Messing in other peoples dating lives is often not a good idea. He'll see when he is ready.
But what if he won't, and he ends up married, father of two, and irreparably miserable? That blood will be on our hands, too, then.
Your point is valid, and that's exactly why we thought hard and long about it. Do we interfere? Or do we, as friends, have an obligation to at the very least give our opinion of the situation.
We reversed it. Would I want them to take me apart and tell me the things we told him, if they were true.
Yes, I would.
We never told him what to do; all we did was give him our bird's eye point of view, which, more often than not, is clearer than an insider's POV.
Cheers
Lalala Latida Lolilalala Hahihohu Lollipop!
I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere around here. It seems like someone's about to pop a vein.
I'm with you on this, Martin.
Real friends are the family that we choose to have.
And if we can't express our feelings and concerns then we're not friends at all.
Hope he makes the right decision.
:)
"What if he and your other friend thought your girlfriend was a succubus? Would that convince you that she was?"
No, that'd be a choice I'd have to make. But I'd definitely want to hear it.
Cheers
When people, family and/or friends, are too close to a situation to see it clearly and logically, the responsible thing to do is lay it out for them. Most people can't do that without it getting down and dirty. Sounds like you didn't do that at all.
Nicely done! Are you offering lessons at all?
Hey, if someone's about to make a royal screw-up of his life, you have sort of an obligation to point it out. Then you walk away... what he does with the info is up to him.
You're not interfering unless you go back and have the same talk again. Then it's over the line. What you've done to this point is exactly the responsible thing to do.
And a word of hope. Sometimes the message gets through without (or in spite of) our best intentions. I was about to marry a complete moron when my sister drags me to this psychic. Now, mind you, to this day I think psychics are a bunch of hooey... but that day, she said what I needed to hear (or what I already knew, I think), and it was enough for me to dump him and salvage my future.
Don't drag your buddy to a psychic... I'm just saying, likely as not he'll figure out what he needs to figure out eventually.
I sincerely hope he does. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he's married to her within a year.
Like I said - we did our part, it's in his hands now.
Cheers
For me, I think stating one's opinion is fine. It's your right. But it's a mistake he has to make on his own, and it's always his decision, and his feelings count the most. Now, if she's a raging cunt and mistreats both him and you guys, then that's another story.
I agree that it's a good thing that you told him and exactly what a friend should do, but that it's a fine line between helping your friend and meddling in his life.
The bird's eye view can be valuable, but if a bird's flying over a house it can't tell what's going on inside.
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