The hidden agenda of whales.

Yesterday I happened to catch Hancock, a supremely silly film that gets bogged down by too many ideas and too many genres crammed into two hours. The highlight for me, other than Charlize Theron, was a bit we'd already seen in the trailer - the whale throwing.

Now, I understand that this scene will have Greenpeace up in arms, but to them I say this:

These whales have had it far too easy for far too long. I am sick of tip-toe-ing around them, letting them be and leaving them to their silly songs. Them and the dolphins. Basically any aquatic mammal. What, you're too good to live on the land like the rest of the placental creatures? Oooh, look at me, I have gills fins! Big deal. Opposable thumbs is where it's at anyway.

No one thinks about all the victims of whale violence: there's Ahab, and Jonah, even cute little Pinocchio (all he wanted was to be a real boy, damnit!). And those are just the fictional ones. It is high time we start teaching these giants a lesson; just because you are bigger than us and live in the water does not mean that you aren't subject to our senseless violence. Everyone gets picked on once in a while; it builds charachter. But not the whales, oh lord no, not the whales. I don't know about you, but all I'm thinking is, where can an angry young man buy a harpoon?

Did you know that Orcas are the most widely dispersed species of animal in the world? That's right, they are in every sea and ocean around the globe. Which means they've got us surrounded. I am tired of all the whale-sympathizers and apologizers out there endangering and undermining my and my loved ones' safety by downplaying the serious threat we all face from imminent, all-out whale attack.

I've got a powerful hunger for blubber sandwich.

Let the war begin.

Whose side are you going to be on?