They are among us.
Who are, you ask?
Quiet down, I'll explain. You see, we are under attack. An attack so subtle in nature that it goes by almost unnoticed. But not to me, never to me! This new threat to humanity as a whole came to my attention when I myself was attacked by one of these beasts.
Fear not, for I am ok.
The attack on my person may have been an isolated incident, but make no mistake, they are planning and plotting their global attacks, of that I am sure. We must rally together, and we must do it now, to prevent a humanitarian disaster from happening. Millions of lives depend on you, dear reader; take responsibility, and save mankind while you're at it. Please.
This heinous threat I'm talking about, it's a direct threat; a threat to your neighbours, your kids, your colleagues - yes, a threat even to you. I'm talking about a certain kind of person (if you can still call them that), a person who moves among us with the sole intent of bringing harm and discomfort to those around him. And everybody repeat everybody has such a person in their lives.
Their objective - to make us, mankind as a whole, feel as miserable as possible, as often as possible.
Beware.
I'm talking about, what I call, a mumbler.
... you yell, from behind that sofa, holding on to that broomstick for dear life.
A mumbler.
Noun - a person who speaks indistinctly [syn: mutterer].
Ah, now I see fear in your eyes. Your troubled look tells me you've encountered such a mumbler before, and you know of what I speak.
The mumbler. This is that person that always, without exception, talks just slightly too softly - you just can't make out what they're saying. Ever. Of course, these people are perfectly capable of speaking in a normal volume, but they won't. And they don't.
And why not? For the sole purpose of making us feel as uncomfortable and as inadequate as we possibly can. They force you to go 'Huh? ', and even then, they refuse to speak up. Before you know it, you'll go 'What? I didn't catch that.', and even then they'll continue taunting you, playing you like a string puppet. Still they will not articulate and be clear in what they're trying to say - in fact, at this point (the third phase of the attack, I call it, and more often than not the deathknell) they'll shy away, speak even softer, and force you, sooner or later, to make a complete oaf of yourself by admitting defeat - you'll just grin like a maniac, say 'ah, yes, yes! ', nod your head like a pigeon on speed, and walk away, damning yourself to hell for being such an ass.
In the end, they always, always, succeed in making you feel like the bad guy, the inadequate fool, the simpleton. On a small scale this can only lead to a bad mood for a day, or even a loss of self esteem, but one shudders when one thinks of the effects, should such attacks go global. We must put an end to this - if not for ourselves, then for our children.
My solution is as simple as it is brilliant. Next time a mumbler approaches you, and starts his slow and subtle attack on you (because, make no mistake, an attack it most surely is), just let him do his thing, give him a blank look for 10 or 15 seconds, and then just bellow out (feel free to write this down for future reference):
"What?! I can't fucking hear what you're saying! No one can ever fucking hear what you're saying! I know what you and your people are up to, and I will not fall for it! Mankind will prevail, I tell you!"
This will do the trick as it will catch them off guard; they do not expect such resistance from such puny humans. Clear signs of victory are:
Step up, people, and do it now, for we are not too late. Are you with me? If you are, show hands and say 'Aye! '. I'll be here, plotting, thinking, scheming, saving.
Vive la resistance!
Cheers
Quiet down, I'll explain. You see, we are under attack. An attack so subtle in nature that it goes by almost unnoticed. But not to me, never to me! This new threat to humanity as a whole came to my attention when I myself was attacked by one of these beasts.
Fear not, for I am ok.
The attack on my person may have been an isolated incident, but make no mistake, they are planning and plotting their global attacks, of that I am sure. We must rally together, and we must do it now, to prevent a humanitarian disaster from happening. Millions of lives depend on you, dear reader; take responsibility, and save mankind while you're at it. Please.
This heinous threat I'm talking about, it's a direct threat; a threat to your neighbours, your kids, your colleagues - yes, a threat even to you. I'm talking about a certain kind of person (if you can still call them that), a person who moves among us with the sole intent of bringing harm and discomfort to those around him. And everybody repeat everybody has such a person in their lives.
Their objective - to make us, mankind as a whole, feel as miserable as possible, as often as possible.
Beware.
I'm talking about, what I call, a mumbler.
... you yell, from behind that sofa, holding on to that broomstick for dear life.
A mumbler.
Noun - a person who speaks indistinctly [syn: mutterer].
Ah, now I see fear in your eyes. Your troubled look tells me you've encountered such a mumbler before, and you know of what I speak.
The mumbler. This is that person that always, without exception, talks just slightly too softly - you just can't make out what they're saying. Ever. Of course, these people are perfectly capable of speaking in a normal volume, but they won't. And they don't.
And why not? For the sole purpose of making us feel as uncomfortable and as inadequate as we possibly can. They force you to go 'Huh? ', and even then, they refuse to speak up. Before you know it, you'll go 'What? I didn't catch that.', and even then they'll continue taunting you, playing you like a string puppet. Still they will not articulate and be clear in what they're trying to say - in fact, at this point (the third phase of the attack, I call it, and more often than not the deathknell) they'll shy away, speak even softer, and force you, sooner or later, to make a complete oaf of yourself by admitting defeat - you'll just grin like a maniac, say 'ah, yes, yes! ', nod your head like a pigeon on speed, and walk away, damning yourself to hell for being such an ass.
In the end, they always, always, succeed in making you feel like the bad guy, the inadequate fool, the simpleton. On a small scale this can only lead to a bad mood for a day, or even a loss of self esteem, but one shudders when one thinks of the effects, should such attacks go global. We must put an end to this - if not for ourselves, then for our children.
My solution is as simple as it is brilliant. Next time a mumbler approaches you, and starts his slow and subtle attack on you (because, make no mistake, an attack it most surely is), just let him do his thing, give him a blank look for 10 or 15 seconds, and then just bellow out (feel free to write this down for future reference):
"What?! I can't fucking hear what you're saying! No one can ever fucking hear what you're saying! I know what you and your people are up to, and I will not fall for it! Mankind will prevail, I tell you!"
This will do the trick as it will catch them off guard; they do not expect such resistance from such puny humans. Clear signs of victory are:
- Them finally speaking up
- Them running away
- Them collapsing and crying
Step up, people, and do it now, for we are not too late. Are you with me? If you are, show hands and say 'Aye! '. I'll be here, plotting, thinking, scheming, saving.
Vive la resistance!
Cheers
3 Comments:
Are you on crack?
Hey now, I have to mumble. I just had 4 big fuckin teeth removed and a shitload of gauze has taken up residence in my mouth. Thank god Cari could understand me.
Snake - only in the mornings.
Bryn and Wendy - they got to you, did they?
Cheers
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