Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline .

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
• If you are depressive, it does not matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
• If you have a short term memory loss, please try your call again later.
• If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Cheers