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Saturday, September 02, 2006

Close call.

Today was interesting.

I was doing groceries earlier today, and guess who I bumped into at the dairy section? No, not Steve from accounting; I'm talking someone from higher up. No, no, not Marla from management, either. I'm talking way, way higher up.

I bumped into God.

He was his usual glorious self, wearing a luminous, golden robe and jewel-encrusted sandals. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I felt slightly underdressed.

We exchanged pleasantries, like you do, when you bump into eachother.

But then, just like that, he started getting righteous on me. It was like someone turned on a bright light behind him, and he seemed to grow several inches. When he finally spoke, I felt his voice in my bones.

'You are a sinner', he boomed, in the middle of the dairy section of my local supermarket. I felt uncomfortable, I'm not ashamed to tell you. 'Vanity, sloth and duplicity are your sins', he then elaborated.

And even before I could begin to think of something to say, he continued. 'You shall be punished for your sinful ways', he bellowed, knocking over a carton of low fat yoghurt. 'You shall count all the leaves on all the trees in all the world. If you are incorrect, you will start again. You will not resume your mortal existence until you give me the correct answer.'

'Well', I said, after several seconds. 'Can I guess?'

'You can, but you will fail,' he replied, and I caught a glimmer of a grin there.

'Ok', I sighed. I didn't look forward to counting all the leaves on all the trees in the world. Sounds like a mighty tedious task, and I have better things to do with my time. I think. 'Here goes', I then ventured. 'I'd say that there are .. 8.255.721.996.458.776.843 leaves in the world. Right now.'

Stunned silence.

'Holy hell!' he then exclaimed, as he made the calculations, his thunderstruck voice rattling the windows of the store. Not a second later he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I grabbed my milk and got the hell out of there.

Cheers

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

But did He clean up the yogurt?

8:15 am  
Blogger twobuyfour said...

Damnation! It's too bad your encounter ended so abruptly. If it were me, I would have had a TON of things to ask him! "Why 5 arms on a starfish, not 6?" "Why 'Jesus' instead of 'Burke' or something?" "How come there doesn't seem to be a lot of clearly warranted smiting going on these days?"

If only you'd run in to Him in a coffee shop or something where you were both a little less edgy....

12:28 pm  

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