Eulogy don'ts.

I've never been asked to give a eulogy, and I pray to god I never will, because I am the worst public speaker you will ever find, in the history of terrible public speakers being found by you.

Come to think of it, if I have to attend a funeral, I'd rather be the guy in the casket than the guy behind the lectern. Seriously.

Anyway, if I ever, god forbid, have to give a eulogy, then here's a list of things I won't say while standing there. Unless I'm in a giddy mood. Which I always am on funerals. Uh oh.

• Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.
• And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.
• His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.
• Let us give thanks that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, took our dear sister to heaven in her prime, thereby proving his benevolence and love for us all.
• Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die!
• And finally, let us meditate on his last words - "Now get me my goddamned bedpan, you ungrateful, good-for-nothing retard, before I -ACK!"
• I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"

Source, before someone stabs me in the back again.

Cheers