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Sunday, September 26, 2004

How to be ..

Do I want to spend my entire career, and life, sitting behind my computer, butchering the English language with my mind and keyboard? Of course not. So, I've thought about it, and I think it's time for a drastic career change.

I'm gonna be a pimp.

Think about it, what's not to love? You got all these hot chicks swarming around you, you get to drive a one of those fantastic cars that bounce, and you'll never have to go to the dentist again - bad teeth are mandatory. So, you're with me, right? Ok.

However, don't underestimate what it takes to be a pimp - there's work to be done. No fear, my pupils - I've been doing some research into pimphood, and I've made an easy-to-follow three-step programme, which will ensure eternal pimp-fame.




1.

The single most important feature of pimpship, which you must master as soon as possible, is, of course, the pimpslap. Therefore, I provide you with a quick guide to how to perfectly execute a pimpslap. Look below:



Don't worry if you don't get right at the first try. Give it some time, practise on your mother (or, in pimpspeak, "yo mamma"), and you'll get there, eventually.




2.

Next is the language - we'll have to talk the talk, of course. As you may have noticed, pimps have devised their very own, highly sophisticated language, which will take quite some practise to master. I'll give you the 10 basic sentences of pimpspeak:

"It is my duty to please that booty."
"Hello, sweet thang."
"Bitch, you know what I want."
"Where's my money?"
"Let's do it. Doggy Style."
"Who's your daddy?"
"Get down, bi-atch!"
"I wanna lay pipe wit' yo' ass!"
"Word."
"Baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."
Add to that the suffix 'izzle', and you've learned yourself an entire new language. Gedizzle izzle? (Which means, 'get it?'). If you still have trouble, try this 'English to Pimpspeak'-translator.




3.

The hard work is done. The last step to take before a life in luxury and 'bling' beckons is to find yourself a name. You're nowhere without a decent, impressive pimpname. The perfect tool to get this done quickly and decently is located right here.

Some examples from me (with either 'Martin' or 'Wet Noodle' filled in as name):
  • Macktastic Martin Joker
  • Silicon Slick Martin Quick
  • Reverend Doctor M. Shizzle
  • Master Pimp Wet Flex
  • D. Magical Noodle Squeeze

Alternatively, you can give this place right here a quick try - a questionaire which will extrapolate the perfect pimphandle for you from the answers you give. Here's what it told me:

classic pimp!!
Congratulations! Your pimp name is....
Mack N. Cheese!!

You're a classic pimp back when pimpin' wasn't just
a funny thing to make a quiz about. you live
and die by the wise words of one famous pimp,
"Green fo' the money, gold fo' the honey!"




All in all, a lot of work to do. Good luck.

Cheerizzle

11 Comments:

Blogger cedia said...

Need a secretary? A bookkeeper? A pimptress (your partner in crime; not your employee)?

3:07 am  
Blogger Martin said...

Cedia - I do have an opening. Tell me, do you bruise easily?

Cheers

4:45 pm  
Blogger Martin said...

Practise what? My pimpslap? No need, I've got that down pat.

Do these girls need jobs?

Cheers

10:50 pm  
Blogger Adam Skinner said...

That is some funny stuff, Martin!

10:55 pm  
Blogger Martin said...

Are you calling my future funny?

Cheers

10:56 pm  
Blogger cedia said...

Tell me again how bruising is involved??

2:07 am  
Blogger Martin said...

You know, pimpslapping, blah blah, all that.

Ahh, look what you made me do - you made me kill an (admittedly pretty bad) joke by explaining it! What is this world coming to, I ask you?

Cheers

2:14 am  
Blogger cedia said...

Excuse me, I'm intermittenly slow.

3:41 am  
Blogger Adam Skinner said...

Perhaps gloves would help.

4:57 pm  
Blogger Martin said...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have an experienced pimp in our midst.

Hide the kids.

Cheers

4:59 pm  
Blogger Jinger said...

You are awesome! I'm definately adding your blog to my favorites!

5:01 pm  

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