Only in theatres.
With the new millenium comes new crime, and with new crime there should be new heroes. Look no further.
My pitch:
The Hero: Rock Bottom (Real name: Rock Bottom).
A concrete slab of a man; large, shaved head, monosyllabic, patriotic, cro-magnon. When engaged in a fist fight, Rock will allow his opponent to throw the first punch, just because that gives him the opportunity to utter his favourite quip ("You hit Rock Bottom. The only way you can go now is up.") before punching his opponent in the mouth with such force that said opponent will actually, albeit for only a second or two, fly. Rock Bottom firmly believes that just about 50% of all things (yes, things) are for pussies.
Negotiations are under way with Vin Diesel, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Mike Tyson's mum.
The Sidekick: None. Rock Bottom believes comic relief is for pussies.
The Bottom Girl: Ms. Mulva Eep (Real name: Mulva Eep).
A double spy so conflicted by the treacherous nature of her duplicity that her psyche has splintered into two separate identities, each one wholly unaware of the other. This leads to interesting love/hate situations between Mulva and Rock. Mulva is strongly convinced that a week consists of three and a half days. So is Mulva.
Casting has started. Madonna declined. We celebrated.
The Henchman: Buzz (Real name: Alec Tricity).
A former postal worker who, after a hideous freak accident involving a fresh pair of sneakers, a delapitated fridge and a speeding train, was saved by the utilisation of a highly experimental electrical heart, which is powered by a high-tech (though surprisingly spandex-y looking) full-body suit which converts the kinetic energy created by his movements to electricity. Alec, a fervent DIYer, then implanted a taser in both his wrists so that he can shoot taser darts from his wrists at will, powered by the same kinetic energy. He rarely uses this, as it disrupts the flow of electricity to his heart, which causes him to faint in a puddle of his own pee. Alec is a work in progress.
Possibly completely CGI.
The Baddie: The Brazilian (Real name: Alexandro Juan Denilson Javiera DeSanto Sebastiao Marcos Fernando Vlavio Vitor Vitor Vitor Edson Vitor).
A conniving Brasilian aptly called the Brasilian who is scheming to steal all the female pubic hair in the world, create with it a death laser, with which he can hold the world at ransom for obscene amounts of money. The Brasilian is obviously insane because he cackles a lot and has an arching eyebrow. He does not have a cat sitting in his lap which he can constantly pet, but he has very hairy arms (he's Brasilian), so that counts.
Charlie Sheen has confessed to an undying fascination for the Brasilian; he hasn't been offered the part.
My pitch:
Rock Bottom
The Hero: Rock Bottom (Real name: Rock Bottom).
A concrete slab of a man; large, shaved head, monosyllabic, patriotic, cro-magnon. When engaged in a fist fight, Rock will allow his opponent to throw the first punch, just because that gives him the opportunity to utter his favourite quip ("You hit Rock Bottom. The only way you can go now is up.") before punching his opponent in the mouth with such force that said opponent will actually, albeit for only a second or two, fly. Rock Bottom firmly believes that just about 50% of all things (yes, things) are for pussies.
Negotiations are under way with Vin Diesel, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Mike Tyson's mum.
The Sidekick: None. Rock Bottom believes comic relief is for pussies.
The Bottom Girl: Ms. Mulva Eep (Real name: Mulva Eep).
A double spy so conflicted by the treacherous nature of her duplicity that her psyche has splintered into two separate identities, each one wholly unaware of the other. This leads to interesting love/hate situations between Mulva and Rock. Mulva is strongly convinced that a week consists of three and a half days. So is Mulva.
Casting has started. Madonna declined. We celebrated.
The Henchman: Buzz (Real name: Alec Tricity).
A former postal worker who, after a hideous freak accident involving a fresh pair of sneakers, a delapitated fridge and a speeding train, was saved by the utilisation of a highly experimental electrical heart, which is powered by a high-tech (though surprisingly spandex-y looking) full-body suit which converts the kinetic energy created by his movements to electricity. Alec, a fervent DIYer, then implanted a taser in both his wrists so that he can shoot taser darts from his wrists at will, powered by the same kinetic energy. He rarely uses this, as it disrupts the flow of electricity to his heart, which causes him to faint in a puddle of his own pee. Alec is a work in progress.
Possibly completely CGI.
The Baddie: The Brazilian (Real name: Alexandro Juan Denilson Javiera DeSanto Sebastiao Marcos Fernando Vlavio Vitor Vitor Vitor Edson Vitor).
A conniving Brasilian aptly called the Brasilian who is scheming to steal all the female pubic hair in the world, create with it a death laser, with which he can hold the world at ransom for obscene amounts of money. The Brasilian is obviously insane because he cackles a lot and has an arching eyebrow. He does not have a cat sitting in his lap which he can constantly pet, but he has very hairy arms (he's Brasilian), so that counts.
Charlie Sheen has confessed to an undying fascination for the Brasilian; he hasn't been offered the part.
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